San Jocose Times Best Seller List 2011

I don't know about you but I love Christmas time! I love it because I know I'm going to get some books I would have never thought of reading because relatives and coworkers whose knowledge of my tastes runs along the lines of "I think he likes to read things." Every year I look forward to leafing through any number of Best Seller books trying to figure out which one of my favorite celebrities will play the many characters in the book! So to get ready for this Holiday season I've been boning up on this years Best Seller list. Looks like some pretty good ones are in there! 

1.       Recess Is Over – Jean Grillman (Farley & Bloom)

A fledgling law firm takes on a giant corporation whose Crazee Train beverage might be causing brain damage across America. The firm’s newest member, Luke, may seem unorthodox but perhaps this breath of sober air will aid this David in taking out a greedy Goliath.

2.       I Will Never Stop Not Being Without You – Nigel Stamp (Dry Aged Publishing)

A young man with a mysterious past comes to a small town to seek redemption. The mayor’s rebellious daughter finds in the stranger the hope she was searching for. On the eve of the town’s annual Celery Festival secrets are revealed and lives are forever changed.

3.       Zone 316 – Takeshi Motomora (Halfcourt Press)

The year is 2068. The Solomyne Corporation’s “Knowledge Implants” have begun to have unwanted results. A robot terrorist group is causing havoc throughout the country. The elite have fled earth and maintain control from a distant planet. Detective Kurt DiLallo may have found a connection between all of these things. And the key to unlocking this conspiracy is hiding in Zone 316.

4.       Those People – Marilyn Stewart (Motherland Publishing)

A naïve white girl finds friendship and spirituality in 1950s Georgia. Ostracized by her peers and family, the young heroine finds solidarity and wisdom from the unlikeliest source – from “those people.”

5.       The Sweet Taste of Dirt – Louis Mallvant (LeRouge & Stims)

An alcoholic father attempts to aid the FBI in the hunt for the serial killer who raped and murdered his daughter. Along the way every new rape-murder victim brings Sam closer and closer to the edge. With stunning verbal fireworks and an almost preternatural understanding of the mind of a rapist and murderer, Louis Mallvant writes a moving and haunting story of fatherhood, revenge, redemption and rape.

6.       I Showered With My Shorts On – David Adelman (Horowitz & Goldman)

David Adelman’s moving and humorous memoir of growing up Jewish in 1980s California.

7.       Publish or Perish – Ken Wallace (Midweek Press)

An Ivy League professor of Medieval Philosophy comes under investigation for a recent spate of murders he’s fairly certain he didn’t commit. His only recourse is to investigate himself, himself. Will he find out if he did it before the police?

8.       Belly Laughs – Meredith Meekler (Standing Ovation Publishing)

Meekler pens a thorough and heartbreaking biography of 1950s comedian Harry Housman. Housman’s story is a fascinating tour through anti-semitism, alcoholism, true love, divorce, drug addiction, sex addiction, prison survival, self-hatred, holocaust denial, prostitution, performance anxiety, prostate examination, artificial insemination, and stand-up comedy.

9.       Stick In the Mud – Benjamin Blankenship (Ennui Classics)

Father Jerome breathes some new life into the goings-on at the Shadydale Senior Center. Life-affirming, casual and thankfully very short, Benjamin Blankenship’s new novella is most certainly his newest work yet.

10.   The Smell of Chance – Vladimir Stolovich (Downtown Publishing)

A blind woman begins to fall for a man she meets in a bar. She uncharacteristically opens up to this charming stranger. Her trust is put to the test though when she finds out that he’s her gynecologist. 

Body Language

As we all know, communication is essential in society. If you don't know that you're probably into World of Warcraft and have Cheeto's dust under your fingernails. Advancements in technology have transformed the way that we correspond with others in the modern world, yet when conversing face-to-face, it's not only the speech we verbalize that matters. In fact it's usually the last thing that matters when talking to me - I like the butt. Body language is truly a language of its own. Just look at black people! In their case it's a language no one can translate. And body odor as well - ever smell a Persian? We all have quirks and habits that are uniquely our own. What does your body language say about you? And what can you learn about others by becoming aware of what some of the signs mean? And just what are you looking at anyway, tough guy? I'll f@#* you up right now! BACK OFF!

I thought it would be a real gas to list some of the well-known signs that body language experts study and recognize. It is said (by the body language experts who, by the way, have no bodies. They are just brains in a glass bowl with wires and shit plugged into them) that when talking to a person the information that we receive can be broken down as:

• 5% from what the person actually says
• 40% from the tone and speed of voice
• 50% is from their body language
• 5% from farts

• Lowering one's head can signal a lack of confidence or a drug induced slumber. If someone lowers their head when complimented, they may be shy or timid or attempting to draw your gaze towards their genitals...which may have accidentally fallen out of their unzipped pants.

•  Touching or tugging at one's ear can indicate indecisiveness. Unless it is your ear they are touching or tugging. In such a case one will usually find that there was a piece of U.S. currency lodged there and your drunk uncle just wanted to inform you of the situation.

• Sincere smiles encompass the whole face (noticeable in the eyes). If the smile becomes too wide and the head splits open only to reveal another head, perhaps with horns and multiple eyes, this represents a demonic creature has inhabited someone’s body in order to take a corporeal form. One should avoid such a person.

• A false smile usually only engages the lips and is usually found on politicians.

• Tilting one's head can symbolize interest in something or someone or the recognition of bad breath.

• Overly tilted heads can be a sign of sympathy or a severely broken neck.

• Closing of eyes or pinching at the bridge of one's nose is often done when making a negative evaluation such as “that huge rail of cocaine I just snorted is of really poor quality and I may need medical attention.”

• When a listener nods, this is usually a positive message and relays that they are interested and paying attention. Unless you are a woman in which case all the listener is doing is picturing you and he in various states of sexual contact.

• Touching/rubbing one's nose may indicate doubtfulness or rejection of an idea

• Sticking out one's chin toward another may show defiance but is wonderfully effective when doing a Jay Leno impression.

• Resting a hand on one's cheek is often done if they are thinking or pondering; and stroking the chin can mean the person is trying to make a decision as to whether or not to rape your dead body after they slit your throat. Or is that just me?

Upper Body

• Pushing back one's shoulders can demonstrate power and courage and check out my huge tits!

• Open arms means one is comfortable with being approached and willing to talk/communicate. If they leave their arms wide open during the entirety of the conversation I have no f@#*ing clue what that means.

• Folded arms show that there is a sort of barricade between them and other people (or their surroundings) and indicate dissatisfaction but is absolutely necessary when posing for the cover photo on the DVD copy of your reality show about your boring job that somehow passes for television entertainment these days.

• Resting one's arms behind their neck shows that they are open to what is being discussed and interested in listening more and maybe receiving fellatio.

• Pointing one's finger can be construed as aggression or assertiveness or super cool if followed by a wink and done by Matthew McConaughey.

• Touching the front of the neck can show that someone is interested and concerned about what another is saying or wishing they could strangle themselves to death that very moment because your conversation about your mortgage payments and possible promotion is so boring, death would preferable to one more minute of talk.

• Hand movements that are upward & outward signify positive and open messages from flamboyantly gay people.

• Palms that are faced outwards towards another indicate one's wish to stop and not approach. Also it could signify one is in a musical about to warring street gangs.

• If one's fingers are interlaced or if the finger tips are pressed together, it usually shows that a person is thinking and evaluating. This is usually done by evil geniuses and super-villains.

• If one’s fingers are interlaced with arms twisted around each other, one leg up, head tilted to the left and toes pointed outward, it usually shows that a person is a Mason and is to be feared. Run.

• If offering ideas to other people, many times the sides of one's palms are close together, with fingers extended. This is also a popular gesture among black male talk show hosts. Yes, that’s an Arsenio Hall reference.

Lower Body

• Putting your hands on your hips can show eagerness and readiness (also, at times, aggression) and is a favorite of overbearing Jewish moms.

• Hips pushed forward, while leaning back can show that one feels powerful...because of their powerful erection.

• A wide stance - where one's feet are positioned far apart - signifies more power and dominance. Unless too far apart which is just a common Belgian greeting among martial arts trained males. Another Arsenio Hall reference*

• When one sits with legs open and part, they might feel secure in their surroundings or have a condition known as tinea cruris, known more widely as “crotch rot.” Other names include “lap stink” “schlong smog” “swamp crotch” “testicle trench burn” “ball bog” “bag burn” etc.

• Crossed legs can mean several things: relaxed/comfortable, happy/unhappy, psychotic/mentally stable, horny or defensive - depending on how tense the leg muscles are or how long the legs are and how short the skirt is.

• When you cross your legs towards another person, you are showing more interest in them than when they are crossed away in the other direction. When you cross your legs around their head you should charge them by the half-hour.

• A confident and powerful position is the "Figure of Four Cross" when one's ankle is atop the other leg's knee and the top leg is pointed sideways. A less confident and powerful position is the “Figure of One Stump” when one is on all fours with head pulled towards chest and all limbs are pulled tightly together. Oddly this is another Belgian greeting.

• Bouncing your foot if your legs are crossed can show that you are bored or losing patience or really f*#@ed up on meth.

*I sometimes confuse Arsenio Hall with action star and heart-throb, Jean Claude van Dam.

So that was fun, wasn't it? I hope you learned something because my life depends on it. This has been a report by Chaz Manly and I'll see you...at the movies.

Speech To The Graduating Class

There is nothing to be had

In following a fad

So do what is cool

Using emptiness as tool

Inspired by self

Take shelter in wealth

Find a cure for what ails

Eat bread that is stale

‘Cause that’s all there is.

M.S.F.

MSF

Hey gals, I’m a single white male, 5’9”, 189 and ½ Lbs and I dress really lovely. Some people say I look like George Clooney but I don’t know I think I look more like Dan Fielding from Night Court but maybe I do look like Georgey, who knows, it’s all subjective, right? Anyways I’m lonely and looking for a nice girl (preferably half white half Filipino about 5’2” – 5’4” with size c breasts and a disproportionately large posterior) to settle down with. I have a full-time job and a beautiful apartment I share with my dog, Kim Jong Il (he’s a Shar Pei). I like to stay in and drink wine and watch Glee but I can also go out and drink whiskey and get into fights and f*#@ in the alley if that’s what you’re into. I got straight A’s in high school and received my AA from my local community college. I work a lot but I sleep very little so don’t worry, I’ll spend a LOT of time with you. I am in pretty good physical condition and although I haven’t had sexual relations in over six years I’ve practiced consistently with a blow-up doll – no complaints so far (just a little joke). I will of course throw away the doll once we’re in a committed relationship. So that’s about it, I guess. I hope some nice young girl is reading this ad right now and thinking about calling. Ttyl!

- Ryan

p.s. Oh yeah I forgot to mention that I stand to inherit a small fortune (in the area of $5 mil) when my comatose uncle finally passes and also I have a criminal record. No big deal but if we ever go on a vacation I have to notify a few people and fill out some paperwork and…let’s not think about vacations for a while.

More From the Pages of the San Jocose Times!

US to fund $20m remake of Sesame Street for Pakistan

The United States is funding a Pakistani remake of the popular TV children's show Sesame Street. In a new effort to win hearts and minds in Pakistan, USAID - the development arm of the US government - is donating $20m (£12m) to the country to create a local Urdu version of the show featuring new and more culturally recognizable characters such as Drively the Cab Driving rodent and Boomerlin the Dynamite-Strapped Jackal.

The project aims to boost education in Pakistan, where many children have no access to regular schooling or working televisions or footwear other than sandals.

The show consisting of twelve 22 minute episodes is to be filmed in Lahore and aired later in the year in a severely edited format consisting of twelve 10 minute episodes designed to coincide with government mandated electricity rationing.

The pilot episode is a charming story of a boy’s first crush. The synopsis (translated from Urdu) reads:

The tale of a young man who is overcome with evil feelings towards a wicked woman. The young man is visited by three wise creatures wearing many colored tunics and speaking in humorous tongues. The four then journey to the Imam who reminds the boy that his feelings are inappropriate and he is danger of death and he warns him never to speak of this again until he is 16 and paired up with a submissive woman. The boy does as he is told and all is well.

A DVD collection of the series is currently available in pirated format and can be found at participating blankets spread out in front of boarded up stores in any Little Pakistan regions in Los Angeles and New York.

Children build 'world's tallest' Lego tower in Brazil

Thousands of children in Brazil have built what organizers say is the world's tallest Lego tower - with a bit of help from parents and a crane. Organizers say the tower, which was made with 500,000 pieces and measured over 102ft, and caused rape crimes to cease for a full three minutes in the vicinity of the tower.

Brazil is proud to have beat a previous record held in Chile – that of Chile’s famed Erector Set sculpture that measured 98ft in height and brought about two minutes twenty-three seconds in which no muggings took place in the Pedro de Valdivia Park.

Eight prostitutes found in search for Shannan Gilbert

The search for a missing prostitute in New Jersey has led police to find the bodies of eight sex workers.

Shannan Gilbert, 24, went missing in May 2010 but police says she is not one of the victims they've found. Four bodies were uncovered in December last year and a further four were found within the last week.

New Jersey police captain Lou Bungelli commented saying “It’s not uncommon that we find a few dead hookers a year – usually one or two at the mayor’s around Christmas and one or two are usually found in the evidence room due to a clerical error but eight?! This is crazy even for New Jersey! Hey you aint gonna print any of this right?”

Structure of stars revealed by 'music' they emit

The sounds emitted by stars light years away from Earth have been captured by British astronomers using Nasa's Kepler space telescope.

Writing in the journal Science, the team says the "music" created by the stars gives a much more accurate picture of their size and structure than was available previously.

Not surprisingly within seconds of the official release the “webosphere” responded and the response has been overwhelmingly negative.

“Diz iz da whack shit.” Says darknhung69

“The stars are BULLSHIT! I’ve heard better music from my BUTT!” from aaronthegreat1

“Hipster crap.” Said joedumpster99

“I hate black people!” from reaalbadazz666

Poland divided by air crash ceremony

Poland has marked the first anniversary of the plane crash in western Russia that killed president Lech Kaczynski, and 95 others but the occasion is marked by deep divisions. Official ceremonies are being boycotted by the late president's brother, Jaroslaw, a former prime minister who says Moscow bears responsibility for the accident.

Jaroslaw’s idea was to have six Poles pilot the plane – one to steer and five men on the top of the aircraft to flap their arms up and down.

The former prime minister blames Russia and their “westernized” thinking for having infected his brother’s flight crew with their more traditional two-man piloting operation.

Resignation Letter to NASA

April 4, 2011 Mr. Charles F. Bolden Jr. NASA Headquarters 300 E Street S.W. Suite 5K39 Washington, DC 20546-0001

Dear Mr. Bolden,

Please accept this letter as resignation of my position as Human Relations Liaison, Event Planner and Yoga Instructor, effective April 28th 2011. I am offering the requisite two weeks’ notice – I believe that should provide you ample time to find a suitable pair ‘o feet to fill my old shoes but of course I am more than willing to stay on for up to six weeks in the event that you find it a trifle more taxing than you previously thought to rustle up a candidate with even half of my energy and brainage to boot! I realize I’m getting a little off track here and my emotions may be bleeding through my pen now – and for that I am sorry. Anyways, I am willing to stay and train the new employee(s) as needed. Just let me know, I’ll probably be by a couple of times a week anyways just to ease the rest of the staff during this time of change. You know, to assuage the fear and resentment that may run rampant throughout our – sorry – your fine halls. I wouldn’t want morale to plummet because of little old me now would I?

As to my decision to resign I assure you that I wish it hadn’t have had to come to this. I hate to leave so many friends and the comfort of a familiar work environment. It is my contention that had I been treated with even a modicum of respect and perhaps a soupcon professional decency you wouldn’t be reading this letter, your window would still be intact and your car wouldn’t smell vaguely of urine. Now I know my particular position was rather new and a bit experimental. And I know that my methods were unorthodox as was my dress (my body needs to breath – it’s a glandular disorder!) but had you been just a little more open-minded I think you would’ve warmed up to my approach and appearance as did so many others there. I remember how on the days I did manage to slip past security (another area in which I felt disrespected – I mean you couldn’t find the time to laminate an ID card for me?) the staff would just laugh and laugh for what seemed like five or six minutes straight before the guards and I would do our little Keystone Kops routine to the delighted squeals and gentle ribbing of the viewing audience. In fact it is just those smiles and that laughter that echo in my head and sing me to sleep as I drift away in the back seat of my home parked conveniently outside of my…well what was my workplace.

Trust me - this was a big decision for me. I don’t like the idea of being financially unstable but I think my mental and spiritual health is much more important. That brings up another issue and certainly one that figured into my decision – I have yet to receive payment from anyone there and taken this up repeatedly with the good folks in payroll only to hear that I’m “not in the computer” over and over. Will this ever be cleared up? It being tax season and all I would very much appreciate a retroactive payment and a W2 form as soon as possible. I realize there’s may be some bad blood because of the “lab fire incident” and I’m sure there may even be some legal responsibility on my part to reimburse NASA for the damages. To that I would like to firstly attempt to absolve myself of responsibility by once again reminding you that I was under the influence of a new court-ordered prescription medicine and therefore am not entirely responsible for what happened during the subsequent three day black-out (what a long, dark night of the soul that was, eh?!) and secondly to any attempt to garnishee my wages will be met with both litigation (I will be representing myself of course) and tears, lots of tears. I’m real emotional when confronted. I think because my mother was verbally abusive unless I brought her drugs or money and certainly because my uncle-father was physically abusive especially when I called him uncle-father…but I digress. The decision has been made and now, as the black people say, the ball is in your court.

In closing I’d like to say that my experience with NASA has been nothing short of life-changing. I leave with no ill-will not even towards that fat fuck Ronald in accounting and I wish you all the best with your endeavors. I trust that your little company will do big things in the future what with all the egg-heads walking around that joint and all that technology stuff I saw in the big room where I set off the fire alarm (kinda fun actually – it was like it was raining inside!). I’d say if nothing else it was a learning experience for all of us but mostly for me. I leave on good terms but with my eyes wide open and my movements a little more cautious. I won’t be as trusting in the future and I probably won’t be as pale – I’m going to start a tanning regimen in 2012 (George Hamilton never had any trouble getting laid now did he?). Goodbye my friends.

Sincerely,

Ryan Travis Darrow esq.

Film Reviews In 25 Words or Less

Mesrine Part I: Killer Instinct

The French Scarface.

Win Win

The Indie Blindside.

Source Code

Groundhog Day as Sci Fi Thriller.

Tron 3D

Tron Remix by DJ Boring.

Best Worst Movie

The Best Worst Documentary.

Monsters*

I don't know what's scarier, those giant, slimy Octopus things or those small, slimy Mexicans.

*Fun Fact: Syncs up perfectly with Insane Clown Posse's The Great Milenko!

Love & Other Drugs

Sorry, Michael J but I don't think the world's ready for a Parkinson's themed porno just yet - maybe next year.