Body Language

As we all know, communication is essential in society. If you don't know that you're probably into World of Warcraft and have Cheeto's dust under your fingernails. Advancements in technology have transformed the way that we correspond with others in the modern world, yet when conversing face-to-face, it's not only the speech we verbalize that matters. In fact it's usually the last thing that matters when talking to me - I like the butt. Body language is truly a language of its own. Just look at black people! In their case it's a language no one can translate. And body odor as well - ever smell a Persian? We all have quirks and habits that are uniquely our own. What does your body language say about you? And what can you learn about others by becoming aware of what some of the signs mean? And just what are you looking at anyway, tough guy? I'll f@#* you up right now! BACK OFF!

I thought it would be a real gas to list some of the well-known signs that body language experts study and recognize. It is said (by the body language experts who, by the way, have no bodies. They are just brains in a glass bowl with wires and shit plugged into them) that when talking to a person the information that we receive can be broken down as:

• 5% from what the person actually says
• 40% from the tone and speed of voice
• 50% is from their body language
• 5% from farts

• Lowering one's head can signal a lack of confidence or a drug induced slumber. If someone lowers their head when complimented, they may be shy or timid or attempting to draw your gaze towards their genitals...which may have accidentally fallen out of their unzipped pants.

•  Touching or tugging at one's ear can indicate indecisiveness. Unless it is your ear they are touching or tugging. In such a case one will usually find that there was a piece of U.S. currency lodged there and your drunk uncle just wanted to inform you of the situation.

• Sincere smiles encompass the whole face (noticeable in the eyes). If the smile becomes too wide and the head splits open only to reveal another head, perhaps with horns and multiple eyes, this represents a demonic creature has inhabited someone’s body in order to take a corporeal form. One should avoid such a person.

• A false smile usually only engages the lips and is usually found on politicians.

• Tilting one's head can symbolize interest in something or someone or the recognition of bad breath.

• Overly tilted heads can be a sign of sympathy or a severely broken neck.

• Closing of eyes or pinching at the bridge of one's nose is often done when making a negative evaluation such as “that huge rail of cocaine I just snorted is of really poor quality and I may need medical attention.”

• When a listener nods, this is usually a positive message and relays that they are interested and paying attention. Unless you are a woman in which case all the listener is doing is picturing you and he in various states of sexual contact.

• Touching/rubbing one's nose may indicate doubtfulness or rejection of an idea

• Sticking out one's chin toward another may show defiance but is wonderfully effective when doing a Jay Leno impression.

• Resting a hand on one's cheek is often done if they are thinking or pondering; and stroking the chin can mean the person is trying to make a decision as to whether or not to rape your dead body after they slit your throat. Or is that just me?

Upper Body

• Pushing back one's shoulders can demonstrate power and courage and check out my huge tits!

• Open arms means one is comfortable with being approached and willing to talk/communicate. If they leave their arms wide open during the entirety of the conversation I have no f@#*ing clue what that means.

• Folded arms show that there is a sort of barricade between them and other people (or their surroundings) and indicate dissatisfaction but is absolutely necessary when posing for the cover photo on the DVD copy of your reality show about your boring job that somehow passes for television entertainment these days.

• Resting one's arms behind their neck shows that they are open to what is being discussed and interested in listening more and maybe receiving fellatio.

• Pointing one's finger can be construed as aggression or assertiveness or super cool if followed by a wink and done by Matthew McConaughey.

• Touching the front of the neck can show that someone is interested and concerned about what another is saying or wishing they could strangle themselves to death that very moment because your conversation about your mortgage payments and possible promotion is so boring, death would preferable to one more minute of talk.

• Hand movements that are upward & outward signify positive and open messages from flamboyantly gay people.

• Palms that are faced outwards towards another indicate one's wish to stop and not approach. Also it could signify one is in a musical about to warring street gangs.

• If one's fingers are interlaced or if the finger tips are pressed together, it usually shows that a person is thinking and evaluating. This is usually done by evil geniuses and super-villains.

• If one’s fingers are interlaced with arms twisted around each other, one leg up, head tilted to the left and toes pointed outward, it usually shows that a person is a Mason and is to be feared. Run.

• If offering ideas to other people, many times the sides of one's palms are close together, with fingers extended. This is also a popular gesture among black male talk show hosts. Yes, that’s an Arsenio Hall reference.

Lower Body

• Putting your hands on your hips can show eagerness and readiness (also, at times, aggression) and is a favorite of overbearing Jewish moms.

• Hips pushed forward, while leaning back can show that one feels powerful...because of their powerful erection.

• A wide stance - where one's feet are positioned far apart - signifies more power and dominance. Unless too far apart which is just a common Belgian greeting among martial arts trained males. Another Arsenio Hall reference*

• When one sits with legs open and part, they might feel secure in their surroundings or have a condition known as tinea cruris, known more widely as “crotch rot.” Other names include “lap stink” “schlong smog” “swamp crotch” “testicle trench burn” “ball bog” “bag burn” etc.

• Crossed legs can mean several things: relaxed/comfortable, happy/unhappy, psychotic/mentally stable, horny or defensive - depending on how tense the leg muscles are or how long the legs are and how short the skirt is.

• When you cross your legs towards another person, you are showing more interest in them than when they are crossed away in the other direction. When you cross your legs around their head you should charge them by the half-hour.

• A confident and powerful position is the "Figure of Four Cross" when one's ankle is atop the other leg's knee and the top leg is pointed sideways. A less confident and powerful position is the “Figure of One Stump” when one is on all fours with head pulled towards chest and all limbs are pulled tightly together. Oddly this is another Belgian greeting.

• Bouncing your foot if your legs are crossed can show that you are bored or losing patience or really f*#@ed up on meth.

*I sometimes confuse Arsenio Hall with action star and heart-throb, Jean Claude van Dam.

So that was fun, wasn't it? I hope you learned something because my life depends on it. This has been a report by Chaz Manly and I'll see you...at the movies.