Aries: You’ve probably been thinking about something lately.
Now’s the time to do something about it. You’re torn between two to four
different options for a particular problem. Choose one. Hey, you’re an Aries
which means you like to have fun but also care about your choices in addition
to being carefree as well as responsible which can sometimes conflict with your
devil-may-care attitude. Today’s the day to make a change…if you want to…but
don’t rush it…unless you feel like it. Remember: you’re an ARIES!
Taurus: The moon is in the sky tonight for you, Taurus. Look
out for people trying to manipulate you which is too easy for you because you’re
a Taurus and so are naturally skeptical. Now’s not a time to be too trusting
and as a Taurus you know that your love of being social can sometimes lead you
to do just that. Tonight: stay in…or go out...it doesn’t really matter as long
as you get laid.
Gemini: Can you believe you’ve made it this far? I mean you’re
a Gemini which means you can’t do nothing right! You’re a dickhead and most
people hate you. But I’m sure you realize by now that all a Gemini needs is one
of those slutty Scorpios, some good wine, and a good friend in the local
justice system.
Cancer: You’re fucked.
Leo: Hey Leo, you shouldn’t worry so much. Everything will work
out in the end. I mean, you’re Jewish so G-d loves you more.
Virgo: You’re sign name sounds like British slang for a hot
underage girl. Here’s the deal though – you’re a left-brained nigga even though
sometimes you feel you’re more creative than all them other niggas. Just be
yourself, Virgo!
Libra: Very serious with the capacity for intense passion,
Libra, you should think about moving that body you buried under the house –
metaphorically speaking, there’s a rogue detective whose wife you killed years
ago (your first) and he’s on to you. You have a little time though because his
superiors don’t trust him and, frankly, think he may be coming “unglued.”
Although you’re nemesis is dangerously close to having to turn in his badge and
firearm he’s never going to turn in his hard-on for revenge. You will go down
if you don’t start covering your tracks and LEAVE TOWN. But you won’t. You’ll
want to make one more kill before you leave town. And this one will be a little
too sloppy because you got caught up in the moment. After some investigation, a
brief reconciliation with his ex-wife and a sudden burst of inspiration he’ll
find you in a deer hunter’s cabin in the woods suggesting that murder is part
of our nature as humans - that deer-hunters aren’t so far off from serial
killers and neither is a loose-cannon detective hell-bent on revenge. They all
have a taste for blood. And you’ll tell him just that right before you light a
match and drop it at your feet igniting the gasoline you’ve poured everywhere
burning yourself while giving him time to run out of the cabin before it
inexplicably explodes leaving all of us feeling a little unfulfilled for some
reason and we’ll all realize it’s because we wanted more blood and that in the
end you were right: you represent the evil that is in all of us.
Scorpio: Such a
romantic but lately you haven’t been living up to your potential. Do a thing
but make it count. You have so much untapped talent. Tap that.
Sagittarius: I skipped your week in my bullshit Astrology
class. Sorry.
Capricorn: Capricorns, as I’m sure you know, are extremely
motivated, won’t stop until they get what they want, are willing to wait for
what they want, are typically 6’4” to 9’ tall, have collapsible skeletons, can
read minds, have night vision, typically have an average body temperature of
308 degrees…kelvin, eat only cake or cake-like products, are impervious to
anesthesia, never laugh, can hold their breath for up to 18 minutes, refuse to
shave, can’t play a blues solo on guitar while singing, live in huts made of
elephant dung and chewing gum, can drop ten hits of acid and ace a driving
test, are staunch republicans, and live for a mere 33 years before evolving
into a higher species that lives in another dimension.
Aquarius: Water sign. You’re ruled by Uranus but more often than
not you act as if you’re ruled by your penis. Tonight: keep it in your pants.
Pisces: You’re so mysterious. So much so that
nobody gives a shit anymore. You’re a cipher – a nothing. If you disappear no
one will notice. Tonight: whatever.
