And he said unto his brethren, My money is restored;
and, lo, it is even in my sack: and their heart failed them, and they were
afraid, saying one to another, What is this that God hath done unto us?
Genesis 42:28
There are many not-so-smart ways to spend a dollar. You
could buy a candy bar and enjoy a sugar high for about three minutes. You could
buy a lottery ticket but you’re somewhere around 10 times more likely to get
struck by lightning than to win the lottery! So let’s try to think outside the
proverbial box (search for proverb still pending) and come up with some more worthwhile ways to spend that dollar. Here are five inventive ways to spend your last dollar.
1. Wash it out and re-print it as a twenty! Look up a how-to vid
on YouTube - it’s easier than you’d think. Then take that twenty into a busy,
cash-friendly type establishment such as a coffee shop. But make sure to go in
sometime in the morning when they’re busiest. Buy a small coffee, take the
change, and walk out $18 richer! You can then do this with one of your other
dollars and repeat the process all week! It’s a fun and inexpensive way to
spend your day.
2. Give it to a hobo! But make sure to ask the hobo to do
something entertaining for you, like a dance or tell you a joke or something.
While he’s dancing, surreptitiously grab his rucksack or bindle-stick, which
invariably contains liquor and cigarettes, and run! You can then sell the
contents to middle school students who’ve skipped class and are looking to get
f_____ up! The suggested retail price is $5 but you should be willing to go as
low as $2. Either way you’ve made money! You may have made one hobo angry but
you’ve forever changed the life of a couple of d___ heads who flipped you off
as soon as your back was turned.
3. Do something nostalgic! Find a liquor store that still sells
single cigarettes for 25 cents and buy one. Then scour the streets for a
discarded lighter that was perhaps prematurely disposed of. Open up the lighter
and pour the remaining lighter fluid on the cigarette. Set out the cigarette to
dry. Use the leftover 75 cents to call your mom and ask her to loan you $300
because you knocked up some Czech heroin addict you met at a bikini bar and she
needs an abortion or else the two of you are moving in with mom because you “gots
nowhere else to go.” After you rip the phone out of the booth and throw it into
the street, fall to the ground crying for a few minutes. Your cigarette should
be dry now! Smoke that cigarette and drift off into space for an hour then
defecate behind the Chex Cashed place.
4. Create a mystery! Copy the plate number, the Federal Reserve
Bank number, the Federal Reserve district seal, the series date and the serial
number onto the wall of the abandoned DQ that you’re squatting in. Find a
pattern. There must be a pattern.
Once you find the local political figure that the numbers seem to be pointing
to, follow his every move. Keep detailed notes and take pictures. Keep the
radio tuned to A.M. stations because sometimes the truth slips out on there.
Arrange the photos and notes on the wall where you wrote down the information
from the dollar. Figure out where he is at all times. Find the connections
between him, the CIA, the bank that took away your home, your ex-wife and her
deranged captor that brainwashed her and turned her into a sex-slave, the
Occupy Wall Street movement, Islam, the guy that keeps driving different
colored trucks past you on 3rd St., and the poisoning of the Greek
yogurt you can’t stop buying. He is behind all of this and must pay. The time
has come to kill him.
5. Practice a random act of kindness! Walk up to an
unsuspecting elderly woman as she’s getting into her car in the parking lot of
your local grocery store and pretend you saw the bill fall out of her purse.
“Oh thank you, young man” she will say with a warm smile. “Oh it’s nothin’
ma’am” you’ll say “My mama raised me to respect my elders. And I sure do know
what it’s like to worry ‘bout money! Heck, if I had that there dollar I
wouldn’t be a walkin’ all the way to _______ this afternoon – I’d be takin’ the
bus instead.” And then you’ll turn to leave and before you get more than three
steps she’ll offer you a ride to _______ and you’ll pretend you couldn’t think
of being an imposition and she’ll insist and finally you’ll relent and as the
two of you drive no more than 30 mph on side streets or the freeway you’ll talk
more of the home you left in Georgia to make it in the big city and how folks
just aint the same here but still you have high hopes and all the while, as she
keeps her glaucoma stricken eyes on the road, you’ll silently pilfer the entire
contents of her purse, hard candy, monogrammed handkerchief and all. Once you
reach your destination you’ll kindly thank her and be off on your way. By the
time the old bag notices her shit is missing you’ll be eating steak and
drinking whiskey with a big-chested broad named Darlene who thinks you own the
yacht that’s docked outside the beachfront restaurant your dining in. The next
morning while Darlene is sawing logs you’ll empty her purse and take her car to
Mexico. Vacation time!
