Horoscopes Trial

Aries: You’ve probably been thinking about something lately. Now’s the time to do something about it. You’re torn between two to four different options for a particular problem. Choose one. Hey, you’re an Aries which means you like to have fun but also care about your choices in addition to being carefree as well as responsible which can sometimes conflict with your devil-may-care attitude. Today’s the day to make a change…if you want to…but don’t rush it…unless you feel like it. Remember: you’re an ARIES!

Taurus: The moon is in the sky tonight for you, Taurus. Look out for people trying to manipulate you which is too easy for you because you’re a Taurus and so are naturally skeptical. Now’s not a time to be too trusting and as a Taurus you know that your love of being social can sometimes lead you to do just that. Tonight: stay in…or go out...it doesn’t really matter as long as you get laid.

Gemini: Can you believe you’ve made it this far? I mean you’re a Gemini which means you can’t do nothing right! You’re a dickhead and most people hate you. But I’m sure you realize by now that all a Gemini needs is one of those slutty Scorpios, some good wine, and a good friend in the local justice system.

Cancer: You’re fucked.

Leo: Hey Leo, you shouldn’t worry so much. Everything will work out in the end. I mean, you’re Jewish so G-d loves you more.

Virgo: You’re sign name sounds like British slang for a hot underage girl. Here’s the deal though – you’re a left-brained nigga even though sometimes you feel you’re more creative than all them other niggas. Just be yourself, Virgo!

Libra: Very serious with the capacity for intense passion, Libra, you should think about moving that body you buried under the house – metaphorically speaking, there’s a rogue detective whose wife you killed years ago (your first) and he’s on to you. You have a little time though because his superiors don’t trust him and, frankly, think he may be coming “unglued.” Although you’re nemesis is dangerously close to having to turn in his badge and firearm he’s never going to turn in his hard-on for revenge. You will go down if you don’t start covering your tracks and LEAVE TOWN. But you won’t. You’ll want to make one more kill before you leave town. And this one will be a little too sloppy because you got caught up in the moment. After some investigation, a brief reconciliation with his ex-wife and a sudden burst of inspiration he’ll find you in a deer hunter’s cabin in the woods suggesting that murder is part of our nature as humans - that deer-hunters aren’t so far off from serial killers and neither is a loose-cannon detective hell-bent on revenge. They all have a taste for blood. And you’ll tell him just that right before you light a match and drop it at your feet igniting the gasoline you’ve poured everywhere burning yourself while giving him time to run out of the cabin before it inexplicably explodes leaving all of us feeling a little unfulfilled for some reason and we’ll all realize it’s because we wanted more blood and that in the end you were right: you represent the evil that is in all of us.

Scorpio:  Such a romantic but lately you haven’t been living up to your potential. Do a thing but make it count. You have so much untapped talent. Tap that.

Sagittarius: I skipped your week in my bullshit Astrology class. Sorry.

Capricorn: Capricorns, as I’m sure you know, are extremely motivated, won’t stop until they get what they want, are willing to wait for what they want, are typically 6’4” to 9’ tall, have collapsible skeletons, can read minds, have night vision, typically have an average body temperature of 308 degrees…kelvin, eat only cake or cake-like products, are impervious to anesthesia, never laugh, can hold their breath for up to 18 minutes, refuse to shave, can’t play a blues solo on guitar while singing, live in huts made of elephant dung and chewing gum, can drop ten hits of acid and ace a driving test, are staunch republicans, and live for a mere 33 years before evolving into a higher species that lives in another dimension.

Aquarius: Water sign. You’re ruled by Uranus but more often than not you act as if you’re ruled by your penis. Tonight: keep it in your pants.

Pisces: You’re so mysterious. So much so that nobody gives a shit anymore. You’re a cipher – a nothing. If you disappear no one will notice. Tonight: whatever.

Religious Poem Cycle: Ordinary Papal

ORDINARY PAPAL

We wait for days and days and days

But black smoke is all we see

We wait and pray and pray and pray

Wonder who the pope will be

 

We pray he’s better’n the last

And does not quit us so soon

We pray to God they make it fast

My ankles start to balloon

 

My back it aches and too my head

And my wife and sons have left

Holy day leaves curses unsaid

Of my faith I’m soon bereft

 

He waves to me and I wave back

Not to say hi but to tell

My throat’s too dry to state the fact

 

This whole scene can go to hell!

Confesssion

I have a confession to make. I killed someone while Black Friday shopping at Walmart. I'm not proud of it. I guess I just got, you know, caught up in the frenzy and, heck, when I saw that tower of Blu-Ray DVD players for half off I...well I snapped the old lady's neck who was standing in front of me. I gently laid her limp, cold body on the floor and dragged her into the kitchen and home department where I dismembered her body and hid the pieces in various crock pots. In all the excitement I forgot about the DVD player...but I felt truly alive for the first time in my life! Now I know who's in control! Thanks for letting me get that off of my chest, Internet.

Seven and a Half Inches of Greene

Folks, I give up. I've attempted to write screenplays for both film and television. I've created a viral video. I've written short stories and a host of tweets on Twitter. Still nothing brings about any financial success. I thought about tackling social issues with some journalistic work but from what I hear there is no worthwhile success in that field either except maybe spiritually or in some karmic way but that can't buy me lobster dinners. I considered writing a young adult novel but if that were to become a success they'd uncover my file on Megan's Law and I'd be forever shunned and shamed. So I decided to set my sights on the under-sexed 35 to 50 female demo. Bingo! Pay-dirt. Tons of inspiration there for some reason. So without further ado, here's the first three chapters of my forthcoming novel, Seven and a Half Inches of Greene. It's a rough draft so be kind but feel free to constructively criticize because it's a work in progress.

Chapter One

After graduate school I wasn’t sure what to do with myself. I tried and failed to finish a collection of short stories but I ran out of ideas and more importantly, I ran out of loan money. I needed a job. My Contemporary French Pastoral Meta-fiction professor introduced me to a magazine editor and within a week I was gainfully employed at the offices of Sustainable Times Magazine – a monthly publication dedicated to the fast growing world of Environmentalism and for the first time I didn’t feel like I was hired because of my beautiful tits. I didn’t expect much in the way of duties there but I certainly didn’t expect to find myself in charge of collecting cubicle trash bins to empty and sort for the office compost heap. And I didn’t believe I was above menial tasks but feeding a yard full of South Asian black chickens wasn’t exactly where I saw myself after receiving a PhD in Middle Eastern Literature Studies. After a few months I was given a handful of small writing assignments – reviews of vegan restaurants, top ten ways to reduce your carbon footprint lists, how-to columns on making your own cosmetics from hemp oil, kale juice and free-range quail egg whites, etc. Then my big break came. I took it upon myself to do some investigative journalism and I wrote a scathing expose piece titled “Is Your Gluten Free Product Really Gluten Free?” The piece was received well by my editor and went to print during my seventh month at Sustainable Times. The article was a huge success and even brought about a few lawsuits against Nabisco, Soyhappy Foods, and Trojan Brand Condoms. The whole office celebrated and I was treated to a twenty-three course raw-food dinner at the city’s most popular raw-food restaurants. I’m pretty sure one of the courses was bark on a bed of dirt. I got plenty drunk on some organic celery beer though and was promptly poured into a rickshaw and sent home. After vomiting up what looked like the contents of lawnmower I checked my email but not before I watched some Farm-Hand Porn and pleasured myself with an heirloom carrot. I sat in my now moistened chair and read my emails. What’s this? An email from none other than Mavis Greene, CEO of SOLODYNE, one of the world’s largest efficient energy corporations! And he wants me to do a profile piece on him?! Where’s that carrot?

Chapter Two

         

I arrived at the SOLODYNE building twenty minutes before my appointment so that I could take notes for this chapter. That line was the first note I penned. I told you I studied meta-fiction right? “Why would Mr. Greene ask for me personally?” I asked myself. “I have almost no experience” I said out loud to myself. “Maybe that’s it – he wants someone he can intimidate and manipulate!” I screamed sitting alone in the lobby. “Is everything alright?” asked the six foot tall model that was posing as a secretary. “Yes. I have allergies” I countered. “Well he’s not going to manipulate me” I whispered under my breath. “Miss, would like a sedative of some sort?” queried that skinny bitch of a secretary. “No thank you” I thought.

The secretary stood and said “Ms. Horneballe, Mr. Greene will you see you now. Follow me.” Even though I had grown to hate her I had to admire this specimen. Long, naturally beautiful black hair, even longer legs that I could only imagine were only just last night wrapped around Mr. Greene’s old, wrinkled and bald head only momentarily stopping him from talking about all of his money. The prick. “Mr. Greene, Ms. Horneballe to see you” she said. There was no door? We turned a corner and we were in his office? I was disoriented. I looked down and saw only soil. I lifted my head and a twenty four year old ski instructor with a two week beard was reaching out for me. I’m dreaming. I lost my balance and saw only swirling sky above me. What the fuck is that smell! My eyes ripped open and the ski instructor was still there holding a thimble in front of my nose. I slapped it out of his hand on impulse. “What is that? Where am I? Who are you?” I said as if it was one word. “That was Ceropia Peltata. Trumpet Tree oil I brought back from the Amazon last week. Don’t worry I can get more. You’re at SOLODYNE and I’m Mavis Greene but please just call me Mav. That’s what the orphans call me.” I was still lying on the ground. “Orphans?” I said. “Oh. Yeah I volunteer at an orphanage three days out of the week” said the man whose penis I had already pictured wrapping my oiled fingers around. He helped me up. “Is that a dirt floor?” I asked. “Yes. Yes it is. I really don’t like flooring and I’ve grown to find comfort in the soil” he said. “I’m sorry I fainted. I haven’t had anything to eat today and…and well I guess I was a little nervous too” I confessed. “Nervous? What on earth would you be nervous for?” he asked. “To meet you I guess. I thought you’d be old, intimidating, serious. I didn’t expect…” I felt myself blushing. Not only was he not what I expected he was nothing I imagined could exist. It’s as if my vagina was allowed to design a human. He was hot. He was rich. Let’s see if he’s smart too. I pulled myself together. “I didn’t expect someone so young I guess. How old are you?” I questioned. “Well I see the interview has started. I am twenty eight years old, Ms…” I interrupted him with “Please call me Jennifer.” “Jennifer, I know you must be surprised at my youth but…well I was always a precocious kid. I graduated high school at fourteen. I couldn’t go to class every day while there was so much to see and do and more importantly so many people to save. I realized quickly that I couldn’t save them all and I could only do so much for this world without any money so I went back to college to get another degree – a more practical degree.” My curiosity was piqued, “What did you study before?” “Oh I’ve always loved literature so I went ahead and got an MFA in creative writing and I minored in philosophy” he said. I fainted again.

Chapter Three

“We should get you something to eat. C’mon let’s go back to my place. We’ll have more privacy” he said as he lifted me off his dirt-floored office. His strong left hand gripped the small of my back as his even stronger right hand grabbed my arm and wrapped it around his neck. As he lifted me our bodies for an instant were mashed together and could feel the rhythm of his breathing. I could hardly breathe myself when I realized how hard my nipples had gotten. I hoped he couldn’t feel my protruding flesh arrowheads but I kind of hoped he did. As I found my balance he began helping me wipe the dirt off my clothing. I quivered with every swipe of his palm across my back. “You missed a spot” I said as I pointed to my left breast. He smiled. “I like a good sense of humor.” "Then I hope you'll find my pubic hair shaving mishap hilarious" I thought to myself. His home was a ten minute drive off the main road into the forest. I sat at the kitchen table drinking a glass of wine while he prepared a meal of his home grown vegetables and wild mushrooms he picked while we walked up to the house. While I watched him make his whole wheat pasta from scratch I asked a few more questions. “So Mav, how did SOLODYNE start?” Suddenly he stopped what he was doing. He closed his eyes and spoke.

“Karmani ave adhikars te

ma phalesu kadachana

ma karmaphal hetur bhoo

ma sangostu akramani”

He opened his eyes and continued cooking while he spoke. “It’s from the Bhagavad Gita. Roughly translated it says ‘Thou hast power only to act not over the result thereof. Act thou therefore without prospect of the result and without succcumbing to inaction’.” He’s thoughtful, well-read and vaguely spiritual?! I need more wine. “I came across that quote while I was installing water filters to wells in African villages and I thought, you know, I just need to act – to do something big” he said. “I know the feeling” I replied. “How’s that wine?” he asked. I swallowed. “It’s really good. What is it?” I asked. “I made it here. I have a vineyard a few miles east of here. It’s a hobby of mine. Would you like more?” he asked politely. “Yes please! Aren’t you going to have any?” I wondered aloud. “Oh I don’t know if that would be entirely appropriate. I wouldn’t want anyone to get the wrong idea” he said. He’s gay. I knew it.

5 Smart Ways to Spend a Dollar!

And he said unto his brethren, My money is restored; and, lo, it is even in my sack: and their heart failed them, and they were afraid, saying one to another, What is this that God hath done unto us?

Genesis 42:28

There are many not-so-smart ways to spend a dollar. You could buy a candy bar and enjoy a sugar high for about three minutes. You could buy a lottery ticket but you’re somewhere around 10 times more likely to get struck by lightning than to win the lottery! So let’s try to think outside the proverbial box (search for proverb still pending) and come up with some more worthwhile ways to spend that dollar. Here are five inventive ways to spend your last dollar.

1. Wash it out and re-print it as a twenty! Look up a how-to vid on YouTube - it’s easier than you’d think. Then take that twenty into a busy, cash-friendly type establishment such as a coffee shop. But make sure to go in sometime in the morning when they’re busiest. Buy a small coffee, take the change, and walk out $18 richer! You can then do this with one of your other dollars and repeat the process all week! It’s a fun and inexpensive way to spend your day.

2. Give it to a hobo! But make sure to ask the hobo to do something entertaining for you, like a dance or tell you a joke or something. While he’s dancing, surreptitiously grab his rucksack or bindle-stick, which invariably contains liquor and cigarettes, and run! You can then sell the contents to middle school students who’ve skipped class and are looking to get f_____ up! The suggested retail price is $5 but you should be willing to go as low as $2. Either way you’ve made money! You may have made one hobo angry but you’ve forever changed the life of a couple of d___ heads who flipped you off as soon as your back was turned.

3. Do something nostalgic! Find a liquor store that still sells single cigarettes for 25 cents and buy one. Then scour the streets for a discarded lighter that was perhaps prematurely disposed of. Open up the lighter and pour the remaining lighter fluid on the cigarette. Set out the cigarette to dry. Use the leftover 75 cents to call your mom and ask her to loan you $300 because you knocked up some Czech heroin addict you met at a bikini bar and she needs an abortion or else the two of you are moving in with mom because you “gots nowhere else to go.” After you rip the phone out of the booth and throw it into the street, fall to the ground crying for a few minutes. Your cigarette should be dry now! Smoke that cigarette and drift off into space for an hour then defecate behind the Chex Cashed place.

4. Create a mystery! Copy the plate number, the Federal Reserve Bank number, the Federal Reserve district seal, the series date and the serial number onto the wall of the abandoned DQ that you’re squatting in. Find a pattern. There must be a pattern. Once you find the local political figure that the numbers seem to be pointing to, follow his every move. Keep detailed notes and take pictures. Keep the radio tuned to A.M. stations because sometimes the truth slips out on there. Arrange the photos and notes on the wall where you wrote down the information from the dollar. Figure out where he is at all times. Find the connections between him, the CIA, the bank that took away your home, your ex-wife and her deranged captor that brainwashed her and turned her into a sex-slave, the Occupy Wall Street movement, Islam, the guy that keeps driving different colored trucks past you on 3^rd St., and the poisoning of the Greek yogurt you can’t stop buying. He is behind all of this and must pay. The time has come to kill him.

5. Practice a random act of kindness! Walk up to an unsuspecting elderly woman as she’s getting into her car in the parking lot of your local grocery store and pretend you saw the bill fall out of her purse. “Oh thank you, young man” she will say with a warm smile. “Oh it’s nothin’ ma’am” you’ll say “My mama raised me to respect my elders. And I sure do know what it’s like to worry ‘bout money! Heck, if I had that there dollar I wouldn’t be a walkin’ all the way to _______ this afternoon – I’d be takin’ the bus instead.” And then you’ll turn to leave and before you get more than three steps she’ll offer you a ride to _______ and you’ll pretend you couldn’t think of being an imposition and she’ll insist and finally you’ll relent and as the two of you drive no more than 30 mph on side streets or the freeway you’ll talk more of the home you left in Georgia to make it in the big city and how folks just aint the same here but still you have high hopes and all the while, as she keeps her glaucoma stricken eyes on the road, you’ll silently pilfer the entire contents of her purse, hard candy, monogrammed handkerchief and all. Once you reach your destination you’ll kindly thank her and be off on your way. By the time the old bag notices her shit is missing you’ll be eating steak and drinking whiskey with a big-chested broad named Darlene who thinks you own the yacht that’s docked outside the beachfront restaurant your dining in. The next morning while Darlene is sawing logs you’ll empty her purse and take her car to Mexico. Vacation time!

San Jocose Times Best Seller List 2011

I don't know about you but I love Christmas time! I love it because I know I'm going to get some books I would have never thought of reading because relatives and coworkers whose knowledge of my tastes runs along the lines of "I think he likes to read things." Every year I look forward to leafing through any number of Best Seller books trying to figure out which one of my favorite celebrities will play the many characters in the book! So to get ready for this Holiday season I've been boning up on this years Best Seller list. Looks like some pretty good ones are in there! 

1.       Recess Is Over – Jean Grillman (Farley & Bloom)

A fledgling law firm takes on a giant corporation whose Crazee Train beverage might be causing brain damage across America. The firm’s newest member, Luke, may seem unorthodox but perhaps this breath of sober air will aid this David in taking out a greedy Goliath.

2.       I Will Never Stop Not Being Without You – Nigel Stamp (Dry Aged Publishing)

A young man with a mysterious past comes to a small town to seek redemption. The mayor’s rebellious daughter finds in the stranger the hope she was searching for. On the eve of the town’s annual Celery Festival secrets are revealed and lives are forever changed.

3.       Zone 316 – Takeshi Motomora (Halfcourt Press)

The year is 2068. The Solomyne Corporation’s “Knowledge Implants” have begun to have unwanted results. A robot terrorist group is causing havoc throughout the country. The elite have fled earth and maintain control from a distant planet. Detective Kurt DiLallo may have found a connection between all of these things. And the key to unlocking this conspiracy is hiding in Zone 316.

4.       Those People – Marilyn Stewart (Motherland Publishing)

A naïve white girl finds friendship and spirituality in 1950s Georgia. Ostracized by her peers and family, the young heroine finds solidarity and wisdom from the unlikeliest source – from “those people.”

5.       The Sweet Taste of Dirt – Louis Mallvant (LeRouge & Stims)

An alcoholic father attempts to aid the FBI in the hunt for the serial killer who raped and murdered his daughter. Along the way every new rape-murder victim brings Sam closer and closer to the edge. With stunning verbal fireworks and an almost preternatural understanding of the mind of a rapist and murderer, Louis Mallvant writes a moving and haunting story of fatherhood, revenge, redemption and rape.

6.       I Showered With My Shorts On – David Adelman (Horowitz & Goldman)

David Adelman’s moving and humorous memoir of growing up Jewish in 1980s California.

7.       Publish or Perish – Ken Wallace (Midweek Press)

An Ivy League professor of Medieval Philosophy comes under investigation for a recent spate of murders he’s fairly certain he didn’t commit. His only recourse is to investigate himself, himself. Will he find out if he did it before the police?

8.       Belly Laughs – Meredith Meekler (Standing Ovation Publishing)

Meekler pens a thorough and heartbreaking biography of 1950s comedian Harry Housman. Housman’s story is a fascinating tour through anti-semitism, alcoholism, true love, divorce, drug addiction, sex addiction, prison survival, self-hatred, holocaust denial, prostitution, performance anxiety, prostate examination, artificial insemination, and stand-up comedy.

9.       Stick In the Mud – Benjamin Blankenship (Ennui Classics)

Father Jerome breathes some new life into the goings-on at the Shadydale Senior Center. Life-affirming, casual and thankfully very short, Benjamin Blankenship’s new novella is most certainly his newest work yet.

10.   The Smell of Chance – Vladimir Stolovich (Downtown Publishing)

A blind woman begins to fall for a man she meets in a bar. She uncharacteristically opens up to this charming stranger. Her trust is put to the test though when she finds out that he’s her gynecologist. 

Body Language

As we all know, communication is essential in society. If you don't know that you're probably into World of Warcraft and have Cheeto's dust under your fingernails. Advancements in technology have transformed the way that we correspond with others in the modern world, yet when conversing face-to-face, it's not only the speech we verbalize that matters. In fact it's usually the last thing that matters when talking to me - I like the butt. Body language is truly a language of its own. Just look at black people! In their case it's a language no one can translate. And body odor as well - ever smell a Persian? We all have quirks and habits that are uniquely our own. What does your body language say about you? And what can you learn about others by becoming aware of what some of the signs mean? And just what are you looking at anyway, tough guy? I'll f@#* you up right now! BACK OFF!

I thought it would be a real gas to list some of the well-known signs that body language experts study and recognize. It is said (by the body language experts who, by the way, have no bodies. They are just brains in a glass bowl with wires and shit plugged into them) that when talking to a person the information that we receive can be broken down as:

• 5% from what the person actually says
• 40% from the tone and speed of voice
• 50% is from their body language
• 5% from farts

• Lowering one's head can signal a lack of confidence or a drug induced slumber. If someone lowers their head when complimented, they may be shy or timid or attempting to draw your gaze towards their genitals...which may have accidentally fallen out of their unzipped pants.

•  Touching or tugging at one's ear can indicate indecisiveness. Unless it is your ear they are touching or tugging. In such a case one will usually find that there was a piece of U.S. currency lodged there and your drunk uncle just wanted to inform you of the situation.

• Sincere smiles encompass the whole face (noticeable in the eyes). If the smile becomes too wide and the head splits open only to reveal another head, perhaps with horns and multiple eyes, this represents a demonic creature has inhabited someone’s body in order to take a corporeal form. One should avoid such a person.

• A false smile usually only engages the lips and is usually found on politicians.

• Tilting one's head can symbolize interest in something or someone or the recognition of bad breath.

• Overly tilted heads can be a sign of sympathy or a severely broken neck.

• Closing of eyes or pinching at the bridge of one's nose is often done when making a negative evaluation such as “that huge rail of cocaine I just snorted is of really poor quality and I may need medical attention.”

• When a listener nods, this is usually a positive message and relays that they are interested and paying attention. Unless you are a woman in which case all the listener is doing is picturing you and he in various states of sexual contact.

• Touching/rubbing one's nose may indicate doubtfulness or rejection of an idea

• Sticking out one's chin toward another may show defiance but is wonderfully effective when doing a Jay Leno impression.

• Resting a hand on one's cheek is often done if they are thinking or pondering; and stroking the chin can mean the person is trying to make a decision as to whether or not to rape your dead body after they slit your throat. Or is that just me?

Upper Body

• Pushing back one's shoulders can demonstrate power and courage and check out my huge tits!

• Open arms means one is comfortable with being approached and willing to talk/communicate. If they leave their arms wide open during the entirety of the conversation I have no f@#*ing clue what that means.

• Folded arms show that there is a sort of barricade between them and other people (or their surroundings) and indicate dissatisfaction but is absolutely necessary when posing for the cover photo on the DVD copy of your reality show about your boring job that somehow passes for television entertainment these days.

• Resting one's arms behind their neck shows that they are open to what is being discussed and interested in listening more and maybe receiving fellatio.

• Pointing one's finger can be construed as aggression or assertiveness or super cool if followed by a wink and done by Matthew McConaughey.

• Touching the front of the neck can show that someone is interested and concerned about what another is saying or wishing they could strangle themselves to death that very moment because your conversation about your mortgage payments and possible promotion is so boring, death would preferable to one more minute of talk.

• Hand movements that are upward & outward signify positive and open messages from flamboyantly gay people.

• Palms that are faced outwards towards another indicate one's wish to stop and not approach. Also it could signify one is in a musical about to warring street gangs.

• If one's fingers are interlaced or if the finger tips are pressed together, it usually shows that a person is thinking and evaluating. This is usually done by evil geniuses and super-villains.

• If one’s fingers are interlaced with arms twisted around each other, one leg up, head tilted to the left and toes pointed outward, it usually shows that a person is a Mason and is to be feared. Run.

• If offering ideas to other people, many times the sides of one's palms are close together, with fingers extended. This is also a popular gesture among black male talk show hosts. Yes, that’s an Arsenio Hall reference.

Lower Body

• Putting your hands on your hips can show eagerness and readiness (also, at times, aggression) and is a favorite of overbearing Jewish moms.

• Hips pushed forward, while leaning back can show that one feels powerful...because of their powerful erection.

• A wide stance - where one's feet are positioned far apart - signifies more power and dominance. Unless too far apart which is just a common Belgian greeting among martial arts trained males. Another Arsenio Hall reference*

• When one sits with legs open and part, they might feel secure in their surroundings or have a condition known as tinea cruris, known more widely as “crotch rot.” Other names include “lap stink” “schlong smog” “swamp crotch” “testicle trench burn” “ball bog” “bag burn” etc.

• Crossed legs can mean several things: relaxed/comfortable, happy/unhappy, psychotic/mentally stable, horny or defensive - depending on how tense the leg muscles are or how long the legs are and how short the skirt is.

• When you cross your legs towards another person, you are showing more interest in them than when they are crossed away in the other direction. When you cross your legs around their head you should charge them by the half-hour.

• A confident and powerful position is the "Figure of Four Cross" when one's ankle is atop the other leg's knee and the top leg is pointed sideways. A less confident and powerful position is the “Figure of One Stump” when one is on all fours with head pulled towards chest and all limbs are pulled tightly together. Oddly this is another Belgian greeting.

• Bouncing your foot if your legs are crossed can show that you are bored or losing patience or really f*#@ed up on meth.

*I sometimes confuse Arsenio Hall with action star and heart-throb, Jean Claude van Dam.

So that was fun, wasn't it? I hope you learned something because my life depends on it. This has been a report by Chaz Manly and I'll see you...at the movies.