Don't Get Me Started On...

Uncle Harry Housman Says...

“Life aint all bagels and lox, kid. I’ve seen more trim in my life than a gynecologist in a women’s penitentiary and all I got to show for it is these lousy warts. And don’t even get me started on dating! You kids got dating all complicated. I’m too old for that crap. In my day if you made eye contact with a lady creature you were dating and if you so much as spoke to the woman you were married! Talk about a prison! That’s all marriage is, kid. And I would know – I’ve been through quite a few of ‘em. Don’t do it! Women are nothin’ but a pair a legs with a credit card. But it’s nice to have someone to come home to sometimes. Especially if you’re a comic; you know you’re on the road a lot and sure there’s Filipino hookers in every city who’re more flexible than rubber-band, but sometimes you want a dame that speaks your language and doesn’t charge you by the half-hour. And as a writer you want someone to bounce ideas off of not to mention someone to bounce a frying pan off of when you she gets mouthy which is all too often…just kidding, son, I never ever hit a woman in my life…that didn’t throw the first punch!”

- Uncle Harry (as told to me over a couple of gin and tonics at Travis T's Cocktails in the City of Industry at 4:15 pm on May 12, 2002)


*Harold G. Housman or Uncle Harry was a stand-up comedian, actor, singer and all-around entertainer whose career started in the late forties, peaked the week of December 14th, 1961, and went into a steady decline from then until February 1st, 1998, when Uncle Harry suffered a stroke in the middle of his Velveeta cheese routine. He was also my real life uncle and a kind of mentor to me. I’ve amassed quite a few notebooks worth of quotes, routines, stories and life lessons from my Great Uncle Harry. I’m currently working on turning them into a book tentatively titled Hey Numbnuts, Listen To Your Uncle Harry! Now and again I’ll post some excerpts from the work in progress.