Dear Mr. Bolden,
Please accept this letter as resignation of my position as Human Relations Liaison, Event Planner and Yoga Instructor, effective April 28th 2011. I am offering the requisite two weeks’ notice – I believe that should provide you ample time to find a suitable pair ‘o feet to fill my old shoes but of course I am more than willing to stay on for up to six weeks in the event that you find it a trifle more taxing than you previously thought to rustle up a candidate with even half of my energy and brainage to boot! I realize I’m getting a little off track here and my emotions may be bleeding through my pen now – and for that I am sorry. Anyways, I am willing to stay and train the new employee(s) as needed. Just let me know, I’ll probably be by a couple of times a week anyways just to ease the rest of the staff during this time of change. You know, to assuage the fear and resentment that may run rampant throughout our – sorry – your fine halls. I wouldn’t want morale to plummet because of little old me now would I?
As to my decision to resign I assure you that I wish it hadn’t have had to come to this. I hate to leave so many friends and the comfort of a familiar work environment. It is my contention that had I been treated with even a modicum of respect and perhaps a soupcon professional decency you wouldn’t be reading this letter, your window would still be intact and your car wouldn’t smell vaguely of urine. Now I know my particular position was rather new and a bit experimental. And I know that my methods were unorthodox as was my dress (my body needs to breath – it’s a glandular disorder!) but had you been just a little more open-minded I think you would’ve warmed up to my approach and appearance as did so many others there. I remember how on the days I did manage to slip past security (another area in which I felt disrespected – I mean you couldn’t find the time to laminate an ID card for me?) the staff would just laugh and laugh for what seemed like five or six minutes straight before the guards and I would do our little Keystone Kops routine to the delighted squeals and gentle ribbing of the viewing audience. In fact it is just those smiles and that laughter that echo in my head and sing me to sleep as I drift away in the back seat of my home parked conveniently outside of my…well what was my workplace.
Trust me - this was a big decision for me. I don’t like the idea of being financially unstable but I think my mental and spiritual health is much more important. That brings up another issue and certainly one that figured into my decision – I have yet to receive payment from anyone there and taken this up repeatedly with the good folks in payroll only to hear that I’m “not in the computer” over and over. Will this ever be cleared up? It being tax season and all I would very much appreciate a retroactive payment and a W2 form as soon as possible. I realize there’s may be some bad blood because of the “lab fire incident” and I’m sure there may even be some legal responsibility on my part to reimburse NASA for the damages. To that I would like to firstly attempt to absolve myself of responsibility by once again reminding you that I was under the influence of a new court-ordered prescription medicine and therefore am not entirely responsible for what happened during the subsequent three day black-out (what a long, dark night of the soul that was, eh?!) and secondly to any attempt to garnishee my wages will be met with both litigation (I will be representing myself of course) and tears, lots of tears. I’m real emotional when confronted. I think because my mother was verbally abusive unless I brought her drugs or money and certainly because my uncle-father was physically abusive especially when I called him uncle-father…but I digress. The decision has been made and now, as the black people say, the ball is in your court.
In closing I’d like to say that my experience with NASA has been nothing short of life-changing. I leave with no ill-will not even towards that fat fuck Ronald in accounting and I wish you all the best with your endeavors. I trust that your little company will do big things in the future what with all the egg-heads walking around that joint and all that technology stuff I saw in the big room where I set off the fire alarm (kinda fun actually – it was like it was raining inside!). I’d say if nothing else it was a learning experience for all of us but mostly for me. I leave on good terms but with my eyes wide open and my movements a little more cautious. I won’t be as trusting in the future and I probably won’t be as pale – I’m going to start a tanning regimen in 2012 (George Hamilton never had any trouble getting laid now did he?). Goodbye my friends.
Sincerely,
Ryan Travis Darrow esq.
No comments:
Post a Comment