More From the Pages of the San Jocose Times!

US to fund $20m remake of Sesame Street for Pakistan

The United States is funding a Pakistani remake of the popular TV children's show Sesame Street. In a new effort to win hearts and minds in Pakistan, USAID - the development arm of the US government - is donating $20m (£12m) to the country to create a local Urdu version of the show featuring new and more culturally recognizable characters such as Drively the Cab Driving rodent and Boomerlin the Dynamite-Strapped Jackal.

The project aims to boost education in Pakistan, where many children have no access to regular schooling or working televisions or footwear other than sandals.

The show consisting of twelve 22 minute episodes is to be filmed in Lahore and aired later in the year in a severely edited format consisting of twelve 10 minute episodes designed to coincide with government mandated electricity rationing.

The pilot episode is a charming story of a boy’s first crush. The synopsis (translated from Urdu) reads:

The tale of a young man who is overcome with evil feelings towards a wicked woman. The young man is visited by three wise creatures wearing many colored tunics and speaking in humorous tongues. The four then journey to the Imam who reminds the boy that his feelings are inappropriate and he is danger of death and he warns him never to speak of this again until he is 16 and paired up with a submissive woman. The boy does as he is told and all is well.

A DVD collection of the series is currently available in pirated format and can be found at participating blankets spread out in front of boarded up stores in any Little Pakistan regions in Los Angeles and New York.

Children build 'world's tallest' Lego tower in Brazil

Thousands of children in Brazil have built what organizers say is the world's tallest Lego tower - with a bit of help from parents and a crane. Organizers say the tower, which was made with 500,000 pieces and measured over 102ft, and caused rape crimes to cease for a full three minutes in the vicinity of the tower.

Brazil is proud to have beat a previous record held in Chile – that of Chile’s famed Erector Set sculpture that measured 98ft in height and brought about two minutes twenty-three seconds in which no muggings took place in the Pedro de Valdivia Park.

Eight prostitutes found in search for Shannan Gilbert

The search for a missing prostitute in New Jersey has led police to find the bodies of eight sex workers.

Shannan Gilbert, 24, went missing in May 2010 but police says she is not one of the victims they've found. Four bodies were uncovered in December last year and a further four were found within the last week.

New Jersey police captain Lou Bungelli commented saying “It’s not uncommon that we find a few dead hookers a year – usually one or two at the mayor’s around Christmas and one or two are usually found in the evidence room due to a clerical error but eight?! This is crazy even for New Jersey! Hey you aint gonna print any of this right?”

Structure of stars revealed by 'music' they emit

The sounds emitted by stars light years away from Earth have been captured by British astronomers using Nasa's Kepler space telescope.

Writing in the journal Science, the team says the "music" created by the stars gives a much more accurate picture of their size and structure than was available previously.

Not surprisingly within seconds of the official release the “webosphere” responded and the response has been overwhelmingly negative.

“Diz iz da whack shit.” Says darknhung69

“The stars are BULLSHIT! I’ve heard better music from my BUTT!” from aaronthegreat1

“Hipster crap.” Said joedumpster99

“I hate black people!” from reaalbadazz666

Poland divided by air crash ceremony

Poland has marked the first anniversary of the plane crash in western Russia that killed president Lech Kaczynski, and 95 others but the occasion is marked by deep divisions. Official ceremonies are being boycotted by the late president's brother, Jaroslaw, a former prime minister who says Moscow bears responsibility for the accident.

Jaroslaw’s idea was to have six Poles pilot the plane – one to steer and five men on the top of the aircraft to flap their arms up and down.

The former prime minister blames Russia and their “westernized” thinking for having infected his brother’s flight crew with their more traditional two-man piloting operation.

Resignation Letter to NASA

April 4, 2011 Mr. Charles F. Bolden Jr. NASA Headquarters 300 E Street S.W. Suite 5K39 Washington, DC 20546-0001

Dear Mr. Bolden,

Please accept this letter as resignation of my position as Human Relations Liaison, Event Planner and Yoga Instructor, effective April 28th 2011. I am offering the requisite two weeks’ notice – I believe that should provide you ample time to find a suitable pair ‘o feet to fill my old shoes but of course I am more than willing to stay on for up to six weeks in the event that you find it a trifle more taxing than you previously thought to rustle up a candidate with even half of my energy and brainage to boot! I realize I’m getting a little off track here and my emotions may be bleeding through my pen now – and for that I am sorry. Anyways, I am willing to stay and train the new employee(s) as needed. Just let me know, I’ll probably be by a couple of times a week anyways just to ease the rest of the staff during this time of change. You know, to assuage the fear and resentment that may run rampant throughout our – sorry – your fine halls. I wouldn’t want morale to plummet because of little old me now would I?

As to my decision to resign I assure you that I wish it hadn’t have had to come to this. I hate to leave so many friends and the comfort of a familiar work environment. It is my contention that had I been treated with even a modicum of respect and perhaps a soupcon professional decency you wouldn’t be reading this letter, your window would still be intact and your car wouldn’t smell vaguely of urine. Now I know my particular position was rather new and a bit experimental. And I know that my methods were unorthodox as was my dress (my body needs to breath – it’s a glandular disorder!) but had you been just a little more open-minded I think you would’ve warmed up to my approach and appearance as did so many others there. I remember how on the days I did manage to slip past security (another area in which I felt disrespected – I mean you couldn’t find the time to laminate an ID card for me?) the staff would just laugh and laugh for what seemed like five or six minutes straight before the guards and I would do our little Keystone Kops routine to the delighted squeals and gentle ribbing of the viewing audience. In fact it is just those smiles and that laughter that echo in my head and sing me to sleep as I drift away in the back seat of my home parked conveniently outside of my…well what was my workplace.

Trust me - this was a big decision for me. I don’t like the idea of being financially unstable but I think my mental and spiritual health is much more important. That brings up another issue and certainly one that figured into my decision – I have yet to receive payment from anyone there and taken this up repeatedly with the good folks in payroll only to hear that I’m “not in the computer” over and over. Will this ever be cleared up? It being tax season and all I would very much appreciate a retroactive payment and a W2 form as soon as possible. I realize there’s may be some bad blood because of the “lab fire incident” and I’m sure there may even be some legal responsibility on my part to reimburse NASA for the damages. To that I would like to firstly attempt to absolve myself of responsibility by once again reminding you that I was under the influence of a new court-ordered prescription medicine and therefore am not entirely responsible for what happened during the subsequent three day black-out (what a long, dark night of the soul that was, eh?!) and secondly to any attempt to garnishee my wages will be met with both litigation (I will be representing myself of course) and tears, lots of tears. I’m real emotional when confronted. I think because my mother was verbally abusive unless I brought her drugs or money and certainly because my uncle-father was physically abusive especially when I called him uncle-father…but I digress. The decision has been made and now, as the black people say, the ball is in your court.

In closing I’d like to say that my experience with NASA has been nothing short of life-changing. I leave with no ill-will not even towards that fat fuck Ronald in accounting and I wish you all the best with your endeavors. I trust that your little company will do big things in the future what with all the egg-heads walking around that joint and all that technology stuff I saw in the big room where I set off the fire alarm (kinda fun actually – it was like it was raining inside!). I’d say if nothing else it was a learning experience for all of us but mostly for me. I leave on good terms but with my eyes wide open and my movements a little more cautious. I won’t be as trusting in the future and I probably won’t be as pale – I’m going to start a tanning regimen in 2012 (George Hamilton never had any trouble getting laid now did he?). Goodbye my friends.

Sincerely,

Ryan Travis Darrow esq.

Film Reviews In 25 Words or Less

Mesrine Part I: Killer Instinct

The French Scarface.

Win Win

The Indie Blindside.

Source Code

Groundhog Day as Sci Fi Thriller.

Tron 3D

Tron Remix by DJ Boring.

Best Worst Movie

The Best Worst Documentary.

Monsters*

I don't know what's scarier, those giant, slimy Octopus things or those small, slimy Mexicans.

*Fun Fact: Syncs up perfectly with Insane Clown Posse's The Great Milenko!

Love & Other Drugs

Sorry, Michael J but I don't think the world's ready for a Parkinson's themed porno just yet - maybe next year.